So, I started with this (actually happened):
I (well my friend) accidentally pulled his truck and laden trailer over your yard last night.
I very sincerely apologize for this. I will gladly repair any sprinkler system damage, or other damage to the lawn.
I do not anticipate this ever happening again. Both my wife I value your friendship and your being better neighbors than I am.
Apologies. Please let me know what needs repair.
I got this back:
My wife just sent me this e-mail. You cannot imagine how shocked I was this morning when I went to get the paper and stumbled across the substantial damage to our lawn! At first I thought we had been vandalized by army tanks! I was stunned! The sprinkler heads near the street are completely destroyed. Unfortunately these are no longer made and new ones are a different height than the old one and no longer compatible. The entire sprinkler system will need to be repaired. I got an estimate this morning for $15,000.00 so I appreciate your doing this.
Unfortunately the sprinkler guy can’t get the ditch digger in the backyard so the fence will need to be replaced. I got and estimate on this for another 15,000.00.
Unfortunately all this disruption will disrupt the foundation which has been given us trouble anyway and will require us to relandscape. The estimate for this is 50,000.00.
Unfortunately this will require patching and painting of the house and replacement of carpet and floors. Estimate for this is 75,000.00.
Unfortunately we will not be able to remain in the house for this so we will need to relocate everything while the repairs are being done, add on living expenses, meals, and clothes and this is estimated at another 100,000.00.
Unfortunately this has already caused tremendous stress and my son “who is a lawyer” values this and his legal fees at 5,000,000.00. Especially since you have already admitted guilt and acknowledged what a bad neighbor you are. Any jury knowing you are a doctor with no regard for other people’s property of life will easily award this!!!
Unfortunately it is these types of careless accidents that divide neighborhoods and ruin friendships. So I am willing for a limited time only to accept an ice cold case of cold beer instead.
LOL have a great weekend
I took him a case of beer. And some sprinkler parts.
I like my neighborhood.